The Therapy Sessions: "When I Hit 58"

 As I mentioned in the first post in The Therapy Sessions series, it's hard to describe what it's like to be blindsided by memories of the legacy of childhood trauma while in my 50's.  

My second post/song noted that for the next several songs, it's worth noting that the ages of 8,  9 and 10 were the epicenter of trauma. These were not exclusive years, but they will show up more than once. On the other end of the spectrum, watch out for songs that reference my 50s.

Perhaps your life experience looks, in some fashion, similar to mine. If so, I'm sorry. That's really hard. If you care to listen to the songs I post, may they remind you that you are not alone; that our history is not our destiny; and, to quote Samwise Gangee, "There's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for." 

"When I Hit 58" 

(https://suno.com/s/FOCDrAn7J6c4Ffjq)

I used 54 as a time to keep score

Of the therapy sessions I used to explore

What I had kept hidden behind all those doors

But I started to open them, at 54.

I did not expect 55 to arrive

By clearing the shelves I had stocked full of lies

About how to be manly and tough and alive

So I started restocking, at 55.

Throw into the mix, now that I’m 56

The sin-stained ruins I’m starting to fix

The trauma-brain reflex I’m trying to kick

And it’s starting to click, now that I’m 56.

Fifty-four showed the cracks,

Fifty-five brought me back,

Fifty-six let me breathe

With new habits I need

And the years still ahead

Aren’t a thing that I dread

’Cause Jesus once said

He gives life to the dead.

I think it’s a given, when I’m 57,

the mix of my life will still have too much leaven

but I’ll get with more clarity glimpses of heaven

but still be uneven, when I’m 57.

It would be great, when I hit 58

If congruence and wholeness would flood through the gate

And forgiveness and mercy would never abate

And God would make clear that love conquers hate 

And it’s never too late

though long was the wait

for a boy who was eight

That would be great, when I hit 58.

The Therapy Sessions: "Beautiful Boy"

As I mentioned in the first post in The Therapy Sessions series, it's hard to describe what it's like to be in my 50s and be blindsided by unveiled memories of the devastating legacy of childhood trauma. It raises so many emotions, and questions, and instability. 

My second post/song noted that for the sake of the narrative that will show up in a few songs,  the ages of 8,  9 and 10 were the epicenter of trauma. These were not exclusive years, but they will show up more than once. 

These songs are a journal of pain, healing, despair, hope, anger, mercy..... I tried to capture real moments, all of which matter in the journey toward healing.

Perhaps your life experience looks, in some fashion, similar to mine. If so, I'm sorry. That's really hard. If you care to listen to the songs I post, may they remind you that you are not alone; that our history is not our destiny; and, to quote Samwise Gangee, "There's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for." 

This song is one of my favorites. First, the musical genre is in my bones. Second, I wrote the lyrics in an evening in which I felt a desperate need to validate the imago dei in me, the idea that I had value, worth and dignity given by God that cannot be taken by anyone.

BEAUTIFUL BOY

https://suno.com/s/dggGDnBjCzxFCPiQ

Beautiful boy,

You were young, you were sweet, you were fun.

Those who mocked you and hurt you

Taught you lies you believed one by one.

Beautiful boy,

You were true, you were good, you were blue.

Those who used you and bruised you

Told a story that just wasn’t true

Beautiful boy,

You were kind, you were gentle, you shined.

It’s not your fault that you forgot

Given the troublesome times.

Beautiful boy,

You made it, and you’ll be a man,

With a heart being mended

By the touch of His hand.

What was broken will heal,

What was lost He’ll reveal,

Through His mercy and love,

Beautiful boy.

Beautiful boy, you were lost,

But He carried the cross

To find you,

And love you back to life—

Beautiful boy.

The Therapy Sessions: "When I Was Nine"

As I mentioned in the first post in The Therapy Sessions series, it's hard to describe what it's like to be in my 50s and  blindsided by unexpected recall of the devastating legacy of childhood trauma. You can read more about that if you click on this link. 

For the next several songs, it's worth noting that the ages of 9 and 10 were the epicenter of trauma. These were not exclusive years, but they will show up more than once. 

Perhaps your life experience looks, in some fashion, similar to mine. If so, I'm sorry. That's really hard. If you care to listen to the songs I post, may they remind you that you are not alone; that our history is not our destiny; and, to quote Samwise Gangee, "There's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for." 

Here is a link to the song: https://suno.com/s/mlYdNQPQpajoyfIy . I love this Southern Rock version so much, because it's hard and gritty, and this kind of music is embedded in my soul.            

"When I Was Nine"

When I was nine it was time

To learn life is not fine

That words can be weapons

For bullies like mine.

That friendship is fleeting

And happiness is cheating

And my heart takes a beating

And I was just nine. 

When I was ten, it was then 

That I learned from some men

How boundaries broken

Look a whole lot like sin.

And safety was stolen,

And trust just a token

And trauma awoken

And I was just ten.

CHORUS:

There’s beauty from ashes

And though I have flashes

Of pain, when it gashes

My soul, I’m gonna be alright. 

Those memories, they last

50 years in the past

Feel like yesterday, 

That child, that boy,

Who some would destroy

Has his reckoning.

CHORUS

When all’s said and done,

What was said, what was done

Does not dictate

What I have become.

There is another version of this song that I really like. It's "dark alternative" in Suno, which reminds me of Evanescence or Flyleaf. Choose your version. https://suno.com/s/c0awQJMgcTc9KgtU.

SONG #3: "Beautiful Boy"

The Therapy Sessions: "Toil And Trouble"

It's hard to describe what it's like to be blindsided by fresh memories of childhood bullying and sexual trauma while in my 50's. I guess it was the right time. I was in good community at church; my wife and I were doing great; I had stability around me that gave me room to be unstable. And boy howdy, has there been some instability.

Not longer after I began remembering things long suppressed, I asked a counselor friend when I should consider therapy. She said, "When life becomes unmanageable." With that standard in mind, it was not long before I knew it was time to get professional help. 

Over the past two years, I have done both Equine Therapy and EMDR.  I have been a part of two small groups at church in which I am free to be honest about how I'm doing and what I'm processing. I kept our church elders up-to-date; they gave me support and room to both fall apart and heal. I addressed our church congregation this past July about my journey, and they responded with love. 

I've pushed into God more than ever before, focusing on His love and His promise to make all things new (Revelation 21). I cling to that: He has the love and power needed to reconcile all things to Himself (Colossians 1).

And yet, honestly, so many days I just wanted to lock myself in my room, turn out the light, and curl up in a ball under a weighted blanket for the foreseeable future because it was so. so. hard.  

And then, I would catch glimpses of what kind of life awaited on the other side of healing, and it was so beautiful, and healthy, and good, and I loved who I was as Jesus worked those things for my good. (Romans 8:28) 

It's been a wild ride. 

Learning To Jump Again: The Songs ("Lord, I'm Tryin'")

Some of you have read my self-published book Learning To Jump Again, which started as a personal journal of grief after my father died. I eventually made it public in hopes that it could help others as they grieve the loss of a loved one. 

Within that book were some poems, for better or worse.When my friend Avery introduced me to the AI music-making website Suno, those poems definitely changed for the better.

I recently found something else I wrote during those years of grieving his loss.  As with the others songs, I altered some of the language of the original poems to get a more singable cadence and added a chorus.

So, here is the sixth song, with lyrics first and a link to the song second (the first song is here; the second one is here, the third one here, the fourth one here, the fifth one here. )  You can listen to all of them if you find an online music platform like Spotify or Apple Music and follow a band called The Long Repair (hint: it's me).

"Lord, I'm Tryin'"

Got home last evenin'

Opened up my door
To three boys and a puppy
Who promptly used the bathroom on the floor

And I said somethin’
Kinda’ under my breath
And my sons all stopped their hollerin’
And repeated what I said

[Chorus] So Lord, I’m tryin’
But before this night is through
I’ll need You.

Woke up the next mornin’
Stumbled out of my room
Found the mornin’ paper
With all its stories full of doom and gloom

And I said “Honey,”
Compared to them I’m great.”
So she pointed out some stuff I did
Just to help me see things straight.

So Lord I’m tryin’
But before this day is through
I need you

One winter evenin’
I picked up the phone
And my mom said, “Hurry.
I don’t think Dad’s gonna’ make it;

 come home.”

But I never made it
Before his light went dim.
And because he could not stop for death
Death kindly stopped for him* 

Lord, I’m trying
But now his life is through
And I need you.

And my life’s not yet through
And I really need you.

*Of course, that is Emily Dickinson

https://suno.com/s/9xYSjq7zdbsSawaA