The Therapy Sessions #10: "Do Not Resuscitate"

If you have been following this series, you know that, instead of going through a journey of grief using journaling like I did after my dad died, I am navigating  the valley of childhood abuse by putting my thoughts into songs. 

Specifically, I am writing lyrics and (as I am not a songwriter) Suno is helping me match it to lyrics. 

 As I mentioned in the first post in The Therapy Sessions series, it's hard to describe what it's like to be blindsided by memories of the legacy of childhood trauma while in my 50's. I have not added details in this series, nor do intend to.  

My second post/song noted that for the next several songs, it's worth noting that the ages of 8, 9 and 10 were the epicenter of trauma. I have been learning the past few just how wildly impactful our childhood is.

My third song looked at how a child can form views of themselves based on trauma and not reality. This song was a loving song to remind Little Me of who I really was.

The fourth song had more to do with navigating that legacy as a man in my 50's. It's been a wild ride, y'all, but I'm getting onto solid ground.

The fifth song was meant to capture a child-like me asking God some sincere questions about why God allows life to unfold the way it does.This song is quiet, contemplative, hopefully capturing some hopeful sorrow.

The sixth song was not quiet. Part of trauma recovery is being honest about anger and the weight of all that happened, and, well, sometimes the day in front of us gets overwhelming. This song let me vent.

The seventh song was a reminder that it was not my fault, though I have carried that weight for decades, and lived out that legacy by defaulting to carrying the blame for things that go wrong. 

The 8th song, "I Won't Be That Kind Of Man", was about my determination not to pass on the legacy of trauma I endured.

The 9th song is called "I Won't Be That Kind of Man." We can choose what to do with legacies: pass them on, or change them. I'm doing a bit of both. 

This song is a recent one. I have been through some dark times of the soul where life felt like more than I could handle. When I am in that space, there can be moments when I think about death - and yearn for it. That doesn't mean that I wanted to end my life; it just meant there was a stark moment when I realized I longed for my eternal rest. 

In my journey - and perhaps in yours? -  there are times I am intensely in love with this life. I have so many wonderful family and friends around me, and I have had so many blessings. Then there are the days that overwhelm with the legacies of the sinful brokenness of the world. Both are true. Hopefully, this song captures both.

"Do Not Resuscitate"


The mirror says I’m older than my years 

Every little burden leaves a mark

“God won’t give more than you can handle”

Are just words while I cry in the dark

My thoughts all now feel disconnected

Like sparks that go out as they rise

I ain’t looking for peace anymore now

Just anything to dry out my eyes


[Chorus]

Now I lay me down to sleep

And Jesus sits with me while I weep

And if I die before I wake

Do not resuscitate



[Verse 2]

I know there’s life past the curtain

Every wound finally understood

Relief from the grief will be certain

And broken things heal like they should

And I believe scarred hands will hold me

No shame, just hope to amaze 

So if God calls me home before morning

Don’t drag me back from glorious days


[Chorus]


I don’t hate life

I’m just tired

Tired of heartbreak and tears

Tired of carrying everybody’s pain

While mine just languishes here

Still…

There’s a table for me in the kingdom

And I hear my chair scraping the floor

Some nights I ache to stay present

Some nights I ache for eternity more



Now I lay me down to sleep

And Jesus sits with me while I weep

And if I die before I wake

All that’s sad God will finally unmake

So please….

Do not resuscitate