The Therapy Sessions: "Toil And Trouble"

It's hard to describe what it's like to be blindsided by fresh memories of childhood bullying and sexual trauma while in my 50's. I guess it was the right time. I was in good community at church; my wife and I were doing great; I had stability around me that gave me room to be unstable. And boy howdy, has there been some instability.

Not longer after I began remembering things long suppressed, I asked a counselor friend when I should consider therapy. She said, "When life becomes unmanageable." With that standard in mind, it was not long before I knew it was time to get professional help. 

Over the past two years, I have done both Equine Therapy and EMDR.  I have been a part of two small groups at church in which I am free to be honest about how I'm doing and what I'm processing. I kept our church elders up-to-date; they gave me support and room to both fall apart and heal. I addressed our church congregation this past July about my journey, and they responded with love. 

I've pushed into God more than ever before, focusing on His love and His promise to make all things new (Revelation 21). I cling to that: He has the love and power needed to reconcile all things to Himself (Colossians 1).

And yet, honestly, so many days I just wanted to lock myself in my room, turn out the light, and curl up in a ball under a weighted blanket for the foreseeable future because it was so. so. hard.  

And then, I would catch glimpses of what kind of life awaited on the other side of healing, and it was so beautiful, and healthy, and good, and I loved who I was as Jesus worked those things for my good. (Romans 8:28) 

It's been a wild ride. 

Learning To Jump Again: The Songs ("Lord, I'm Tryin'")

Some of you have read my self-published book Learning To Jump Again, which started as a personal journal of grief after my father died. I eventually made it public in hopes that it could help others as they grieve the loss of a loved one. 

Within that book were some poems, for better or worse.When my friend Avery introduced me to the AI music-making website Suno, those poems definitely changed for the better.

I recently found something else I wrote during those years of grieving his loss.  As with the others songs, I altered some of the language of the original poems to get a more singable cadence and added a chorus.

So, here is the sixth song, with lyrics first and a link to the song second (the first song is here; the second one is here, the third one here, the fourth one here, the fifth one here. )  You can listen to all of them if you find an online music platform like Spotify or Apple Music and follow a band called The Long Repair (hint: it's me).

"Lord, I'm Tryin'"

Got home last evenin'

Opened up my door
To three boys and a puppy
Who promptly used the bathroom on the floor

And I said somethin’
Kinda’ under my breath
And my sons all stopped their hollerin’
And repeated what I said

[Chorus] So Lord, I’m tryin’
But before this night is through
I’ll need You.

Woke up the next mornin’
Stumbled out of my room
Found the mornin’ paper
With all its stories full of doom and gloom

And I said “Honey,”
Compared to them I’m great.”
So she pointed out some stuff I did
Just to help me see things straight.

So Lord I’m tryin’
But before this day is through
I need you

One winter evenin’
I picked up the phone
And my mom said, “Hurry.
I don’t think Dad’s gonna’ make it;

 come home.”

But I never made it
Before his light went dim.
And because he could not stop for death
Death kindly stopped for him* 

Lord, I’m trying
But now his life is through
And I need you.

And my life’s not yet through
And I really need you.

*Of course, that is Emily Dickinson

https://suno.com/s/9xYSjq7zdbsSawaA