The Therapy Sessions: "I Just Want This Day To End"

As I mentioned in the first post in The Therapy Sessions series, it's hard to describe what it's like to be blindsided by memories of the legacy of childhood trauma while in my 50's. I've got Jesus, good therapists, a loving family and a supportive church community, but... it's a lot.  

My second post/song noted that for the next several songs, it's worth noting that the ages of 8,  9 and 10 were the epicenter of trauma. These were not exclusive years, but they will show up more than once. On the other end of the spectrum, watch out for songs that reference my 50s. I've learned it's not unusual for men my age to remember this kind of stuff in their 50s - and it's not unusual for men to remember this kind of stuff.

The third song had more to do with navigating that legacy as a man in my 50's. It's been a wild ride, y'all, but I'm getting onto solid ground.

The fourth song was meant to capture a child-like me asking God some sincere questions about why God allows life to unfold the way it does. If you listen to all the songs, you'll see I'm not trying to stick with one style. I'm getting Suno to help me find the mood that matches what I'm feeling. This song is quiet, contemplative, hopefully capturing some hopeful sorrow.

This one is not. Part of trauma recovery is being honest about anger and the weight of all that happened, and, well, sometimes the day in front of us gets overwhelming. This song lets me vent.

Perhaps your life experience looks, in some fashion, similar to mine. If so, I'm sorry. That's really hard. If you care to listen to the songs I post, may they remind you that you are not alone; that our history is not our destiny; and, to quote Samwise Gangee, "There's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for."  

"I Just Want This Day To End"

https://suno.com/s/Pk2gQ7ZbFz07uhsC

Today was not fine because 

Peace was not mine 

And I was ready, so soon

To try the next day, 

since at least around noon 

 

Today was not right because 

I thought I saw the light 

But I was ready, once again 

To try the next day instead, 

Perhaps as early as ten 

 

[Chorus] I just want this day to end, 

I find I’m too tired to pretend

 But broken things are trying to mend, 

So tomorrow, maybe, I’ll try again. 

 

Today was not good, because

 I’ve been in a mood 

Because trauma’s no fun 

And I wanted a new day 

Sometime around one. 

 

Today was so hard, because 

I let down my guard

 And tried to remember

A boy, so tender, and used. 

I just want this day to end,

 I find I’m too tired to pretend

 But broken things are trying to mend, 

So tomorrow, I suppose, 

I’ll try again. 

 

Today was so dark, 

As I grieve for the mark 

On my heart, and my soul, 

For the terrible toll. 

And now this day’s too long 

For all of my sorrow 

Yet again 

 

[Chorus] I just want this day to end, 

And I just need it quiet inside my head

But this time the darkness will act as a friend,  

And tomorrow, I suppose, I’ll try again.

I’ll try again.

 

And tomorrow, I think that,

I’ll try again.  

 

And tomorrow, I need to

Try life again.

The Therapy Sessions: "Dear Jesus, I've Got Questions"

As I mentioned in the first post in The Therapy Sessions series, it's hard to describe what it's like to be blindsided by memories of the legacy of childhood trauma while in my 50's. I've got Jesus, good therapists, a loving family and a supportive church community, but... it's a lot.   

My second post/song noted that for the next several songs, it's worth noting that the ages of 8,  9 and 10 were the epicenter of trauma. These were not exclusive years, but they will show up more than once. On the other end of the spectrum, watch out for songs that reference my 50s.  I've learned it's not unusual for men my age to remember this kind of stuff in their 50s - and it's not unusual for men to remember this kind of stuff.

The third song had more to do with navigating that legacy as a man in my 50's. It's been a wild ride, y'all, but I'm getting onto solid ground.

This one needed to be quiet and gentle. If you listen to all the songs, you'll see I'm not trying to stick with one style. I'm getting Suno to help me find the mood that matches what I'm feeling. The next one is going to be noisy; this one is not.

Perhaps your life experience looks, in some fashion, similar to mine. If so, I'm sorry. That's really hard. If you care to listen to the songs I post, may they remind you that you are not alone; that our history is not our destiny; and, to quote Samwise Gangee, "There's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for."  

"Dear Jesus, I've Got Questions"

https://suno.com/s/8wOQshlcDA7BjX8T

Dear Jesus, I’ve got questions,

Some thoughts, and a few suggestions

And there might be a confession,

But we’ll see

I wonder why so much is bad

In a world where so much makes me glad?

And in the memories that I have

Why did so many have to be so sad?

I wonder why you didn’t end

The hypocrisy and the pretend

More quickly, with more time to send

Someone to help me mend

And just for me, for Little Me

Looking down on us, did you also see

The many things I tried to flee?

So why did you just let them be?

My thoughts are jumbled, to be clear

But I think I see a pattern here:

Confusion, questions, pain and fear.

I see at least that through my tears.

My suggestions won’t surprise you, Lord

I’ll bet you’ve heard these ones before

What if you found a way to store

My past behind a massive door

Until I was safe to explore

What happened.

What if you found a way to mend

The broken, and to send

All sins so far around the bend

We would not deal with them again.

What if you found a way to show

That when we harvest what others sow

You’re right here with us, down below

You’re right here with us, in our woe.

What if you found a way to heal

With love, and hope, and make unreal

The legacy of wounds that steals

So that in the end, you’d finally deal

with all that is so sad.

What if you finally rebuild

all of creation, reconciled,

Free of the curse; no one defiled

God’s all in all, and so this child

Can rest.

I’ll lay my questions down

I’ll lay my worries down

If You’re healing all things in the end

If Your love gets the final word

I will rest now.

I will rest now.

The Therapy Sessions: "When I Hit 58"

 As I mentioned in the first post in The Therapy Sessions series, it's hard to describe what it's like to be blindsided by memories of the legacy of childhood trauma while in my 50's.  

My second post/song noted that for the next several songs, it's worth noting that the ages of 8,  9 and 10 were the epicenter of trauma. These were not exclusive years, but they will show up more than once. On the other end of the spectrum, watch out for songs that reference my 50s.

Perhaps your life experience looks, in some fashion, similar to mine. If so, I'm sorry. That's really hard. If you care to listen to the songs I post, may they remind you that you are not alone; that our history is not our destiny; and, to quote Samwise Gangee, "There's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for." 

"When I Hit 58" 

(https://suno.com/s/FOCDrAn7J6c4Ffjq)

I used 54 as a time to keep score

Of the therapy sessions I used to explore

What I had kept hidden behind all those doors

But I started to open them, at 54.

I did not expect 55 to arrive

By clearing the shelves I had stocked full of lies

About how to be manly and tough and alive

So I started restocking, at 55.

Throw into the mix, now that I’m 56

The sin-stained ruins I’m starting to fix

The trauma-brain reflex I’m trying to kick

And it’s starting to click, now that I’m 56.

Fifty-four showed the cracks,

Fifty-five brought me back,

Fifty-six let me breathe

With new habits I need

And the years still ahead

Aren’t a thing that I dread

’Cause Jesus once said

He gives life to the dead.

I think it’s a given, when I’m 57,

the mix of my life will still have too much leaven

but I’ll get with more clarity glimpses of heaven

but still be uneven, when I’m 57.

It would be great, when I hit 58

If congruence and wholeness would flood through the gate

And forgiveness and mercy would never abate

And God would make clear that love conquers hate 

And it’s never too late

though long was the wait

for a boy who was eight

That would be great, when I hit 58.

Up next: "Dear Jesus, I've Got Questions"

The Therapy Sessions: "Beautiful Boy"

As I mentioned in the first post in The Therapy Sessions series, it's hard to describe what it's like to be in my 50s and be blindsided by unveiled memories of the devastating legacy of childhood trauma. It raises so many emotions, and questions, and instability. 

My second post/song noted that for the sake of the narrative that will show up in a few songs,  the ages of 8,  9 and 10 were the epicenter of trauma. These were not exclusive years, but they will show up more than once. 

These songs are a journal of pain, healing, despair, hope, anger, mercy..... I tried to capture real moments, all of which matter in the journey toward healing.

Perhaps your life experience looks, in some fashion, similar to mine. If so, I'm sorry. That's really hard. If you care to listen to the songs I post, may they remind you that you are not alone; that our history is not our destiny; and, to quote Samwise Gangee, "There's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for." 

This song is one of my favorites. First, the musical genre is in my bones. Second, I wrote the lyrics in an evening in which I felt a desperate need to validate the imago dei in me, the idea that I had value, worth and dignity given by God that cannot be taken by anyone.

BEAUTIFUL BOY

https://suno.com/s/dggGDnBjCzxFCPiQ

Beautiful boy,

You were young, you were sweet, you were fun.

Those who mocked you and hurt you

Taught you lies you believed one by one.

Beautiful boy,

You were true, you were good, you were blue.

Those who used you and bruised you

Told a story that just wasn’t true

Beautiful boy,

You were kind, you were gentle, you shined.

It’s not your fault that you forgot

Given the troublesome times.

Beautiful boy,

You made it, and you’ll be a man,

With a heart being mended

By the touch of His hand.

What was broken will heal,

What was lost He’ll reveal,

Through His mercy and love,

Beautiful boy.

Beautiful boy, you were lost,

But He carried the cross

To find you,

And love you back to life—

Beautiful boy.

The Therapy Sessions: "When I Was Nine"

As I mentioned in the first post in The Therapy Sessions series, it's hard to describe what it's like to be in my 50s and  blindsided by unexpected recall of the devastating legacy of childhood trauma. You can read more about that if you click on this link. 

For the next several songs, it's worth noting that the ages of 9 and 10 were the epicenter of trauma. These were not exclusive years, but they will show up more than once. 

Perhaps your life experience looks, in some fashion, similar to mine. If so, I'm sorry. That's really hard. If you care to listen to the songs I post, may they remind you that you are not alone; that our history is not our destiny; and, to quote Samwise Gangee, "There's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for." 

Here is a link to the song: https://suno.com/s/mlYdNQPQpajoyfIy . I love this Southern Rock version so much, because it's hard and gritty, and this kind of music is embedded in my soul.            

"When I Was Nine"

When I was nine it was time

To learn life is not fine

That words can be weapons

For bullies like mine.

That friendship is fleeting

And happiness is cheating

And my heart takes a beating

And I was just nine. 

When I was ten, it was then 

That I learned from some men

How boundaries broken

Look a whole lot like sin.

And safety was stolen,

And trust just a token

And trauma awoken

And I was just ten.

CHORUS:

There’s beauty from ashes

And though I have flashes

Of pain, when it gashes

My soul, I’m gonna be alright. 

Those memories, they last

50 years in the past

Feel like yesterday, 

That child, that boy,

Who some would destroy

Has his reckoning.

CHORUS

When all’s said and done,

What was said, what was done

Does not dictate

What I have become.

There is another version of this song that I really like. It's "dark alternative" in Suno, which reminds me of Evanescence or Flyleaf. Choose your version. https://suno.com/s/c0awQJMgcTc9KgtU.

SONG #3: "Beautiful Boy"

The Therapy Sessions: "Toil And Trouble"

It's hard to describe what it's like to be blindsided by fresh memories of childhood bullying and sexual trauma while in my 50's. I guess it was the right time. I was in good community at church; my wife and I were doing great; I had stability around me that gave me room to be unstable. And boy howdy, has there been some instability.

Not longer after I began remembering things long suppressed, I asked a counselor friend when I should consider therapy. She said, "When life becomes unmanageable." With that standard in mind, it was not long before I knew it was time to get professional help. 

Over the past two years, I have done both Equine Therapy and EMDR.  I have been a part of two small groups at church in which I am free to be honest about how I'm doing and what I'm processing. I kept our church elders up-to-date; they gave me support and room to both fall apart and heal. I addressed our church congregation this past July about my journey, and they responded with love. 

I've pushed into God more than ever before, focusing on His love and His promise to make all things new (Revelation 21). I cling to that: He has the love and power needed to reconcile all things to Himself (Colossians 1).

And yet, honestly, so many days I just wanted to lock myself in my room, turn out the light, and curl up in a ball under a weighted blanket for the foreseeable future because it was so. so. hard.  

And then, I would catch glimpses of what kind of life awaited on the other side of healing, and it was so beautiful, and healthy, and good, and I loved who I was as Jesus worked those things for my good. (Romans 8:28) 

It's been a wild ride. 

Learning To Jump Again: The Songs ("Lord, I'm Tryin'")

Some of you have read my self-published book Learning To Jump Again, which started as a personal journal of grief after my father died. I eventually made it public in hopes that it could help others as they grieve the loss of a loved one. 

Within that book were some poems, for better or worse.When my friend Avery introduced me to the AI music-making website Suno, those poems definitely changed for the better.

I recently found something else I wrote during those years of grieving his loss.  As with the others songs, I altered some of the language of the original poems to get a more singable cadence and added a chorus.

So, here is the sixth song, with lyrics first and a link to the song second (the first song is here; the second one is here, the third one here, the fourth one here, the fifth one here. )  You can listen to all of them if you find an online music platform like Spotify or Apple Music and follow a band called The Long Repair (hint: it's me).

"Lord, I'm Tryin'"

Got home last evenin'

Opened up my door
To three boys and a puppy
Who promptly used the bathroom on the floor

And I said somethin’
Kinda’ under my breath
And my sons all stopped their hollerin’
And repeated what I said

[Chorus] So Lord, I’m tryin’
But before this night is through
I’ll need You.

Woke up the next mornin’
Stumbled out of my room
Found the mornin’ paper
With all its stories full of doom and gloom

And I said “Honey,”
Compared to them I’m great.”
So she pointed out some stuff I did
Just to help me see things straight.

So Lord I’m tryin’
But before this day is through
I need you

One winter evenin’
I picked up the phone
And my mom said, “Hurry.
I don’t think Dad’s gonna’ make it;

 come home.”

But I never made it
Before his light went dim.
And because he could not stop for death
Death kindly stopped for him* 

Lord, I’m trying
But now his life is through
And I need you.

And my life’s not yet through
And I really need you.

*Of course, that is Emily Dickinson

https://suno.com/s/9xYSjq7zdbsSawaA

Learning To Jump Again: The Songs ("Oh Death, My Enemy, My Friend")

Some of you have read my self-published book Learning To Jump Again, which started as a personal journal of grief after my father died. I eventually made it public in hopes that it could help others as they grieve the loss of a loved one. 

Within that book were some poems, for better or worse.

When my friend Avery introduced me to the AI music-making website Suno, those poems definitely changed for the better.

In the other songs, I altered some of the language of the original poems to get a more singable cadence; in some, I added a chorus. In the process, I tried to find a soundtrack that matched the mood in my head. This is a new poem song the kind of grew as I was reprocessing a lot of those old (and familiar) emotions.

So, here is the fifth song, with lyrics first and a link to the song second (the first song is here; the second one is here, the third one here, the fourth one here.) You can listen to all of them if you find an online music platform like Spotify or Apple Music and follow a band called The Long Repair (hint: it's me).

"O Death, My Enemy, My Friend"

O, death
My enemy, my friend,
You take those I love,
And free them from pain
What am I to do
With this dilemma
That my loss
Is their gain.

Oh, life
My enemy, My friend,
You keep near those I love
Yet keep them in pain.
What am I to do
with this dilemma
That their pain
Is my gain.

Oh love,
My enemy, My friend,
You fill when you give,
You cut when you take.
What am I to do
With this dilemma—
The love you make live
you’ll finally unmake.

Oh, grief
My enemy, My friend,
You keep close those I love
And keep me in pain
What am I to do
with this dilemma
The cost of love
Is a loss I disdain.

Oh love,
My enemy,
My friend,
You fill when you give,
You cut when you take.
What am I to do
With this dilemma—
The love you make live
you’ll finally unmake.

When loss cuts so deep,
And wounds just won’t mend,
When I’m bruised by my loss
And I’ve nothing to lend
I lift up my grief,
I pull in my breath,
And I cry for the One
Who has conquered all death.

Oh love,
My enemy,
My friend,
You fill when you give,
You cut when you take.
What am I to do
With this dilemma—
The love you make live
you’ll finally unmake.

Oh, Jesus,
My friend
my good friend,
You hold close those I love
In life or in death
I know what you do
with this dilemma
You loved them in life
And love them in death.

And I hate all my aching
But I love that they rest
And one day I’ll see them
In the land of the blessed.

The song: https://suno.com/s/OtYrvJFn2kSQegZg