The Therapy Sessions #8: I Won't Be That Kind Of Man

As I mentioned in the first post in The Therapy Sessions series, it's hard to describe what it's like to be blindsided by memories of the legacy of childhood trauma while in my 50's.

My second post/song noted that for the next several songs, it's worth noting that the ages of 8, 9 and 10 were the epicenter of trauma.  

My third song looked at how a child can form views of themselves based on trauma and not reality. This song was a loving song to remind Little Me of who I really was.

The fourth song had more to do with navigating that legacy as a man in my 50's. It's been a wild ride, y'all, but I'm getting onto solid ground.

The fifth song was meant to capture a child-like me asking God some sincere questions about why God allows life to unfold the way it does.This song is quiet, contemplative, hopefully capturing some hopeful sorrow.

The sixth song was not quiet.  Part of trauma recovery is being honest about anger and the weight of all that happened, and, well, sometimes the day in front of us gets overwhelming. This song let me vent.

The seventh song was a reminder that it was not my fault, though I have carried that weight for decades, and lived out that legacy by defaulting to carrying the blame for things that go wrong. 

Today's song is about how I have not passed on the legacy of trauma I endured. Perhaps the silver lining in the trauma cloud is that I have stopped a cycle of abuse.

If your  life experience looks, in some fashion, similar to mine, my heart breaks for you.  If you care to read what I write or listen to the songs I post, may they remind you that you are not alone; that our history is not our destiny; and - to quote Samwise Gangee -  "There's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for." 

"I Won't Be That Kind Of Man"

https://suno.com/s/NeL22GOKKMFcX7eV

I’ve been digging through a past that owes me answers,

What sinful men did to me raises some questions.

They preached Jesus but passed on their damage,

Took me down a path that led to therapy sessions.

Chaos in my chest, white noise in my head

It’s just what happens when innocence is dead

When your safety doesn’t last, you figure out fast—

The devil doesn’t need horns, just a holy mask.

[Chorus]

I won’t be that kind of man

No, I won’t be that kind of man

Give a bad man power, and the little ones pay.

I won’t be that kind of—

I won’t be that kind of man

Let’s uncover all the things that I used as armor,

Fawning, freezing, running from the trauma.

Trying to make safe every time, every place

Learning how to read every look on your face

Hypocrites with Bibles, conveyors of violence

Forced on me these tools of survival,

And I’m haunted by ghosts that continuously lurk

And learning what it takes to make life work

[Chorus]

I’m naming the damage, not carrying the blame.

I don’t carry their darkness or shoulder their shame.

If pain is a language, I’m learning new words,

I won’t translate abuse into someone else’s curse.

[Chorus]

I am not that kind of man

I am not that kind of man

What they broke, I’m breaking free

I am not that kind of—

I am not that kind of man

I will never be

That kind of man.

Following Jesus In Digital Spaces #2 : Choosing Your Arguments

 Like so many people, I wrestle with how to use social media well. I am certain I am not the only one. It can be a wonderful and terrible tool, which is true of pretty much anything people create. 

This is part of a series of videos (and a transcript) from a friend at church (he's also been a fellow elder for years). Tom Gordon taught history at Northwestern Michigan College for 30 years. He not only knows a lot about history, he has learned what it's like to navigate conversations on college campuses (and at church) when strong opinions and emotions enter the room. I have found his insight to be challenging, thoughtful, and very helpful to my spiritual and relational formation before, and it's about to happen again.

You can see the first episode here.  

Episode 2 — You Don’t Have to Attend Every Argument

One of the quiet pressures of social media  is the feeling that we’re supposed to respond to everything.Every headline. Every opinion. Every post that feels wrong or upsetting.

But here’s something freeing: Just because an argument is happening online doesn’t mean you’re required to join it. Most of us have tried. We jump into a thread hoping to bring clarity…

 and a few minutes later, we feel tired, tense, or disconnected. Not more loving. Just depleted.

What I notice about Jesus Christ  is that He didn’t chase every misunderstanding. He didn’t answer every accusation. Sometimes He spoke. Sometimes He walked away. Sometimes He stayed silent. Not because He didn’t care — but because He knew who He was and what He was called to carry.

That’s discipleship. Learning what is yours to engage… and what isn’t. So here’s a simple practice for this week:

When you feel pulled into an online argument, pause and ask: Is this mine to carry? If not…you’re allowed to scroll past. You’re allowed to breathe. You’re allowed to save your emotional energy for the people actually in your life.

Sometimes faithfulness looks like speaking. And sometimes it looks like restraint. This series isn’t about disengaging from the world. It’s about staying rooted in Christ while living in it. 

No perfection required. Just wisdom.

Grace and peace, friends.

Learning To Jump Again: The Songs ("Oh Death, Oh Life")

Some of you have read my self-published book Learning To Jump Again, which started as a personal journal of grief after my father died. I eventually made it public in hopes that it could help others as they grieve the loss of a loved one. 

Within that book were some poems, for better or worse.When my friend Avery introduced me to the AI music-making website Suno, those poems definitely changed for the better.

As I have revisited those years of deep mourning, I have found some thoughts bubbling to the service that I think have been simmering there for a long time. Since poetry was a meaningful expression for me then, I took that path again. And since I was enjoying trying to find a soundtrack to go with it....well, here we are :)

So, here is the seventh song, with lyrics first and a link to the song second (the first song is here; the second one is here, the third one here, the fourth one here, the fifth one here. and the sixth one here.)  

"Oh Death, Oh Life"

https://suno.com/s/K0gxwsiSDDOdtIKa

Oh life, the strife 

keeps coming to our door.

The challenges and hardship, 

I don’t need them any more.

The body blows of grief and pain

They take my breath, then come again

Oh life, the strife, 

Keeps coming to our door.

 Oh death, the breadth

Of what you repossess,

You keep on taking from us

And leave us with what’s left,

Of friends we loved, and family

You just can’t seem to let things be,

Oh death, the breadth

Of what you take from us. 

[Chorus] Oh life, oh death

You both take our breath

You just won’t stop,

Day after day,

And I, for one, 

Would like to say

Oh life, oh death,

Please give us back our breath.

 Oh life, the good

That must be understood

As sunshine after rain,

Forgiveness after pain

Joy after the heartache

And love for its own sake

Oh life, there’s good,

That must be understood

 Oh death, you think you won

But you moved us to the Son

Away from all that brought us pain

Into an age of so much gain

With friends we loved, and family

And a God who won’t let things be

Until everything is new

And reconciled, and true

Oh death, you think you won

But you moved us to the Son.

[chorus] Oh life, oh death

You both take our breath

With moments so amazing

They direct where we are gazing

From the strife and all we’ve lost

To what happened on the Cross 

Jesus restoring all our loss.

Oh life, oh death,

in Heaven’s time, 

and in Heaven’s way,

Please, take our breath away.

Following Jesus in Digital Spaces #1: Who Are You Becoming?

Like so many people, I wrestle with how to use social media well. I am certain I am not the only one. It can be a wonderful and terrible tool, which is true of pretty much anything people create. 

I am going to start posting videos and text from a friend at church (he's also been a fellow elder for years). Tom Gordon taught history at Northwestern Michigan College for 30 years. He not only knows a lot about history, he has learned what it's like to navigate conversations on college campuses (and at church) when strong opinions and emotions enter the room. I have found his insight to be challenging, thoughtful, and very helpful to my spiritual and relational formation before, and it's about to happen again.

And God knows, I need it. 

Here is Part One on YouTube. https://youtube.com/shorts/z7mdczik604?si=0MVHRxG0cBOYmeS3. 

Hey friends — Tom here. Quick thought today.

Most of us don’t wake up in the morning thinking, “I’d like to become a reactive, anxious, easily offended person.” But here’s the quiet truth:

Every time we scroll, post, argue, or react online, we’re practicing becoming someone. Social media doesn’t just show what we believe  - it trains our nervous system. When we’re emotionally stirred up - angry, afraid, or overwhelmed - our brains shift into defense mode. We get faster. Sharper. More certain.

Not usually wiser. Not usually kinder. And most of us know that moment.

You read a post. Your chest tightens. Your fingers start typing. Later you think, “That didn’t feel like the person I want to be.” That’s not a failure of faith. That’s a nervous system doing what nervous systems do.

And Jesus keeps asking a different question than the internet does. Not: “Are you right?” But: “Who are you becoming?” That’s discipleship. We’re being formed all the time — whether we notice it or not. Our habits shape our hearts. Our attention shapes our loves.

So here’s a simple practice for this week: Before you post. Before you reply. Before you hit send. Pause for three seconds and ask: Is this helping me become more like Jesus - or just more reactive?

Sometimes the most faithful thing you can do online is slow down. Sometimes it’s curiosity. Sometimes it’s silence. And sometimes it’s choosing relationship over being right.

This series is about learning how to follow Jesus in digital spaces with wisdom, gentleness, and courage.

No perfection required. Just presence.

Grace and peace, friends.